Another year...

A year.

Seems like it should feel like longer...

But no, it's been a year already.

And my heart aches.

I can't stop thinking of about him/her...

What the pregnancy would have been like... about his birth... about the look on my hubby's face as he held his child for the first time... about the joy that would be in our parents eyes as they met their tiny grandchild... I wonder what Zoey would think when we brought a baby home...

About Bringing him home... dressing her up... soothing his tears and changing her diaper...

Our baby would be about four months old right now...

He would be getting his first teeth...

She would be putting toys in her mouth herself...

He would be holding his head up to watch his world in amazement...

She would be following me with her eyes as I cleaned the kitchen or living room...

He would hold his Daddy's finger...

She would be excited to come back to me when friends or family were holding her...

In my sleeplessness I was wandering Pinterest-Land and found this poem, I think it rather fitting so I'm adding it to this post of ramblings...

How Do You?

How do you love a person

who never got to be?

Or try to envision a face

you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one 

who never got to live?

When there's nothing to feel good about

and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby,

my companion of the night.

Wandering through the lonely hours,

beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before

you even were born,

to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby, 

you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain

And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby,

just as if you'd lived for years.

No more, no less, I think of you,

the angel of my tears.

     - Author Unknown

   Over the last year I have reflected often on how different life would be today, if we hadn't lost this baby a year ago.  The Joy we would have known in him/her... and the pain we would not have known in losing her.  I even wonder how different it would have been if I had only taken the test earlier - when I first noticed my cycle was late... I think "then we could have at least experienced some joy in its conception, rather just the pain of the loss"...  

   Hubby gently reminds me, "We can't live life based on 'What If', we are here now." ... Which is probably why I loved this picture so much...

:-)

I still struggle with wondering if I'm just crazy - and never was pregnant to begin with... but when it comes down to it I do believe that I was... that life was there, even if I didn't know it till the very end, even if for just those brief 4-6 weeks... there was life.  And I will always wonder, who it would have been <3

Psalm 34:18-19

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

***I just pulled the pictures off of Pinterest... most of them have a watermark on them already - but none of these are my work :) Just in case anybody wondered. ***