One..

One.

That number has been heavy on my heart this week.

One life, is all we get.

One chance, to make a difference.

One second, and everything can change forever.

One year, is how old our baby would have been today. 

A dear friend of our family passed away very unexpectedly one week ago today.

His unexpected passing, combined with the first anniversary of my estimated due date, have had me in a rather emotional place this week.  I've been easily frustrated and prone to random breakdowns.  

But, mingling in the sorrow of these two heartaches, is a joy and a peace - different for each, 

yet the same.

For my friend, I am ecstatic!  

I can honestly say I have never known a person who more eagerly anticipated heaven than our friend Terry.  He talked about heaven all the time!  He was more excited to go to Jesus, than he was about anything else in life - and that is saying a LOT, because Terry was a very enthusiastic guy!  

I know that he is rejoicing in God's presence, getting started on that long list of questions he had about things he couldn't figure out here on earth, and jubilantly praising his Savior with his new body.

Yet, my heart aches for his wife and daughter, for his extended family, and for his friends - because we will miss him here. 

His life was well lived. 

At his memorial service yesterday, everyone recounted the love that poured out of Terry.  Terry would have explained that, Christ Jesus loved him SO much - that he couldn't help but love the people that God put in his path.  

And so he did!

Terry's life is a strong testimony of the love of God poured out through a surrendered Christian.

His wife and daughter are a continuation of that testimony, and while my heart grieves for them, I also rejoice.  Because, they know that this is not the end!  

And so, even in the grief of our loss of such a dear friend here, there is joy and peace in Christ.

And then there is our babies "estimated due-date anniversary"

(aka - non-birthday)

This has been a long and rough road.

My heart has ached over our infertility, and even more so over the loss of this baby specifically.

All week this thought has been stuck in my head:

"We should be having a First Birthday Party for our baby - not a memorial service for our friend!"

And then the thought has this echo:

"Who are you, oh man, to answer back to God?"

I can look back on the time I was blessed to know Terry and the testimony of God's work in his life, and rejoice.  But what about our baby? Her tiny life was never even recognized before it was gone... how am I to rejoice in this?  This is a question I have long struggled with... and I'm not sure I actually have a good answer - but here's what I've come up with so far:

Our baby's life was not in vain; God is using it, however brief, to Glorify Himself in way's I can't now see or understand.  And the same thing is true for infertility - He is using it to Glorify Himself in ways that I can not now see or understand.  God's doing something, so none of this pain is meaningless, and in it all my God is good.

 I do not understand the way life has unfolded over the last couple years.

(And there are parts of it that I just plain don't like!)

But I do know, that God understands it.

Beyond understanding it, My Jesus even planned it and controls it all!

While I don't understand it, I know that it is all going according to His plan.

And His plan's are higher than my understanding.

I can't say that I have 'total' peace, or that I understand why God has planned this for our lives! 

But I can say that I trust Him.  

I trust that His plans for {us} are good.

So I'll keep walking down this road, knowing that this is not the end.

There is a better place coming, where I'll see our friend Terry, and I'll meet our baby.

But more exciting (even than meeting our baby) is that I'll finally see my Jesus!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith..."

~ Hebrews 12:1-2a ~

This song has continued to grow in meaningfulness to me over the course of our miscarriage and infertility journey... 

This message by John Piper was a special encouragement and blessing as well.

Soli-Deo-Gloria